Johnson Jockoff
by JustSagan
Summary: The new hero that Detroit does not deserve.
It was a normal night in Detroit. Murder, rape, gang wars, poverty, Domino's pizza. You know, the basic Detroit stuff. However a certain man's life was about to change forever, and that man's name is Johnson Jockoff.

Johnson Jockoff was doing his favorite thing. Masterbating to Asian lesbian milf fart porn… while wearing nothing but a fedora and a trench coat. " _OH YES!_ " Screamed Johnson (who by the way lives in a fucking apartment). " _Hey shut the fuck up!_ " Screamed a very scary sounding black guy from the room below. " _Fuck you! This is the only joy left in my life!_ " Screamed Johnson in a very nerdy white guy sounding voice. " _Fine, whatever, but can you atleast just stop fucking screaming!_ " After that little exchange, Johnson contenued to masterbate.

After about a 4 minutes, Johnson had hit his limit. " _Where are the tissues!_ " Screamed Johnson in a panic. He was about to cum but there were no tissues in sight, so he had to make best with what he had. " _Sorry mister righty, but you're going to have to take the load tonight._ " Said Johnson to his right hand.

Johnson then proceeded to cum on his right hand. "Another job well done." Johnson proudly said to himself. However before he could even go find something to clean off his right hand, a fly landed on his face. " _Don't ruin this moment fly!_ " Screamed Johnson as he proceeded to smack his face with his right hand. (Key word, RIGHT hand).

" _Oh god!_ " Cried Johnson as he realized what he just did. " _It's in my eyes! It hurts!_ " Johnson was panicking, he blindly looked for something to clean off his face. However things were about to take an unexpected turn.

As Johnson began to cry, he started to hear something. He didn't know what it was, but he was

about to find out. At that very moment, a truck pulled up. It was carrying radioactive waste, and it had a hose attached to it. Two men then stepped out of the truck. They had clown makeup on. These two men were part of the Juggalo gang of Detroit. One of the members proceeded to grab the hose to the truck. " _Hey assholes! If you won't let us hang our ICP posters on your building, then suffer the wrath of true Juggalo power!_ " Screamed the Juggalo as the other Juggalo begin to open the faucet to the truck.

As Johnson was continuing to cry, he was suddenly hit with radioactive waste. "It burns!" Screamed Johnson as he was hit with the hot green liquid. As the acid began to burn him alive, the sperm on his face began to fuse into his DNA. His body started to change. His skin changed to pale white, he started to feel gooey, and he could feel moving all across his body.

" _What happened_?" Asked Johnson as he started to realise that the acid was no longer burning him. However the building was melting away, and would soon be reduced to nothing. Johnson knew he had to escape the building, so he jumped out of his window. He fell and landed on the ground, feeling no pain whatsoever. As he stood up, he saw the two Juggalo gangster just staring at him in confusion. Before Johnson could say anything, he was sprayed with more radioactive waste.

However the radioactive waste had no effect on him. The Juggalos looked scared. " _Well if the radioactive waste wont work on you, then how about we beat the shit out of you bro!_ " Said one of the Juggalos. Johnson panicked, he didn't know what to do. " _Please don't hit me_!" Cried Johnson as he stuck out both of his hands. However as he stuck out his hand, Sperm shot out of them, and hit the two Juggalos. But this was no ordinary sperm, this was radioactive sperm!

" _Yo what the fuck bro! We're going to AHHHHH!_ " Screamed the two Juggalos as the radioactive sperm began to eat away at their bodies. After about a minute, the two Juggalos were reduced to nothing but bones. The sperm then returned to Johnson. Johnson was confused, but soon remembered that there were other people in the apartment building. " _Oh no! I have to get out of here before the cops think I was responsible!_ " And with that, Johnson ranoff.

Johnson was scared and confused. What were these new power? Why did this happen to him? Where was he going to live now? Can he still masterbate? However all these questions were put on hold when he saw a poster of the Justice League hanging on a Domino's building. " _Hey That's it! The Justice League can help me!_ " Johnson was happy, he knew that the Justice League would help out a fellow superhero. However…

" _Oh no I just realized! I'm not a superhero!_ " Johnson has never done anything heroic in his life. Also the fact that he let around 42 people die in that apartment didn't exactly help him. " _I know what I must do! I have to find a super villain to beat!_ " Johnson knew that there had to be a super villain in Detroit. I mean what villain wouldn't want to hang out in a shithole like Detroit?

Johnson was about to begin his villain search, but stopped immediately when he noticed a small gang of 5 Juggalos all holding guns. They looked like they were about to rob the Dominos. However they turned their attention to Johnson. " _Hey that's the dick who killed two of our Jugga Homies! Let's get him!_ " The Juggalos charged at Johnson, but that proved to be a fatal mistake.

" _Hey dumbasses, take this!_ " Johnson then proceeded to spray his sperm at all of the Juggalos. Needless to say, they stood no chance. 4 of them died within a minute. However one of them managed to barely survive. Johnson walked up to the Juggalo. " _Please… Kill me!_ " Said the dying Juggalo. Johnson decided to use this to his advantage. " _Alright you little faggot you better tell me who your gang leader is, or I will go medieval on your ass!_ " Said Johnson in a very angry and demanding tone. The Juggalo almost immediately responded. " _Ok I will tell you!_ " The Juggalo started to cough up blood, but was still able to speak. " _Our leader is the notorious butthole tickler._ " Johnson was shocked, but not surprised. " _He is currently searching houses for new buttholes to tickle, that is all I know._ " The Juggalo looked like he was about out of life. " _Well thanks faggot, now take this!_ " Johnson proceeded to stomp on the Juggalos head. After about 1 minute of stomping, the Juggalo was nothing more than a bloody mess on the street. With the Juggalo dead, Johnson went on the hunt for the notorious butthole tickler.

After about two hours of searching, Johnson soon realised that searching all of Detroit for one guy was near impossible. " _This will never work… I'm going to have to draw him out._ " Said Johnson as he began to think of a plan. As Johnson was thinking, he noticed two angry looking women walking down the street, and they were wearing ICP shirts. " _Hmmm… Maybe they can help me._ " Said Johnson to himself as he proceeded to walk up to the girls.

" _Excuse me ladies, may I ask for your assistance?_ " Said Johnson in a friendzone tone. " _What the Fuck are you supposed to be, living cum?_ " Said one of the girls in a smartass tone. " _Aw c'mon Daizy, you know he looks better than all the Juggalo faggots back at that party._ " Said the other girl. " _Party, what party?_ " Asked Johnson with interest. " _There is this Juggalo party going on about half a mile down the street at the park, but don't bother going it's just a bunch of, Hey where you goin?_ " Johnson didn't want to listen to her anymore, he got what he needed. He was on his way to the party, but he had to think of a plan on how to take out a party full of Juggalos.

Johnson arrived at the party, and the girls were right. The party was full of Juggalos. However they were all drunk, so they were paying no attention to Johnson. As Johnson began to walk around the party, he noticed a bunch of large drink cooler dispensers. " _Hmmm… this gives me an idea._ " Johnson wasted no time, and began to put some of his sperm in all of the coolers. Johnson then decided to wait until all the Juggalos drank from their now lethal beer.

After about an hour, Johnson began to notice that many of the Juggalos were now laying on the ground. The other Juggalos seemed to be in pain. Needless to say, Johnson's plan worked. After about another 30 minutes, all of the Juggalos were dead. As Johnson looked around at what his handy work had accomplished, he noticed that someone else was also watching in the distance. " _Hey, who are you?_ " Screamed Johnson at the mysterious person. " _Your silly, i'm your final prize that you have been working for._ " At that moment, Johnson realized who this very gay sounding man was. " _Wait, you must be the Butthole Tickler!_ " Screamed Johnson as the Butthole Tickler stepped out of the shadows, revealing what looked like a crack head wearing old clothing. " _Yes, now let's have some fun!_ " Said the Butthole Tickler as he ran towards Johnson. This was the moment that Johnson has been waiting for. This was now the time for Johnson to show the Justice League that he was truly a hero.

The Butthole Tickler tried to punch Johnson in the face, but Johnson managed to counter him with a kick to the nuts. However this seemed to have little effect on him, because the Butthole Tickler managed to jump in the air and drop kick Johnson. Johnson was sent flying into the drink cooler dispensers, knocking out the remaining liquids. " _Give it up sweetie, you're no match for me!_ " Said the Buthole Tickler as he pulled out his pink cell phone, and called more Juggalos to come help him. However Johnson noticed that the beer was starting to morph.

Both Johnson and the Butthole Tickler watched as the beer began to take on the form of a women. " _Oh I see… My sperm must have mixed with the beer, and created a new life form._ " Said Johnson in amazement. " _Oh no! Its a women, every gay guy's weakness!_ " Screamed the Butthole Tickler. However as the Butthole Tickler was about to shit himself, a small army of Juggalos arrived. " _What do you need from us sir?_ " Asked one of the Juggalos. " _I...I…_ " That was all the Butthole Tickler could say as he watched the Beer Girl become fully formed.

The Beer Girl then face Johnson who was still on the ground, and began to speak to him in what sounded like 5 different voices. "We have become fully sentient now… What do you command of us?" Johnson was shocked, but happy. " _Well its time that we kill all of these mother fuckers. Specifically that fag right there!_ " Said Johnson as he pointed to the Butthole Tickler. " _As you wish._ " Was all the Beer Girl said before she rushed towards the Butthole Tickler, and uppercutted him 50 feet into the air. She then jumped up to him, and began to unload an ass load of punches onto him.

Meanwhile Johnson was thinking up a plain on how to take out all of the Juggalos. Fortunately for him, the Juggalos were to busy watching their leader get the shit beat out of him in the air. " _I know what to do._ " Said Johnson to himself as he began to spray his sperm onto the ground. After a few seconds, there was a large puddle of sperm.

" _Hey Beer Girl! Knock him into this puddle of sperm!_ " Screamed Johnson in a trying to hard to sound manly voice. Beer Girl then proceeded to knock the Butthole Tickler down. The Butthole Tickler crashed into the sperm, and the impact caused the sperm to splash all over the Juggalos. It took only seconds for the sperm to start eating away at the Juggalos. Within about a minute, they would all be dead.

The Beer Girl then decided that it was time to finish off the Butthole Tickler. The Beer Girl began to fall towards the Butthole Tickler, and stomp on his stomach at full force. The force of the stomp caused the Butthole Tickler to shit out all of his internal organs, which of course killed him.

The Beer Girl looked at Johnson, and Johnson stared at the Beer Girl. " _You are by far the most awesome thing that I have ever seen!_ " The Beer Girl was happy to see that Johnson was happy. " _Now let's go ho… oh wait._ " Said Johnson as he remembered that he no longer has a home. Johnson realized something else as he looked at all the dead bodies surrounding him. " _I don't think the Justice League will let us join them when they discover that we killed a fuck ton of people._ "

Johnson was right, the Justice League would never tolerate this. " _Well who needs the Justice League, you and me can just become vigilantes._ " The Beer Girl agreed, and they both walked off to go search for a new home.

The end


End file.
